By Tilda McLafferty and Leopold Salinger
In the second installment of Unpopular Vote's Day After National Popular Vote series, we enter a world in which a national popular vote recount is real...and terrifying. The inevitability of the recount scenario presented here should be obvious to anyone who thinks about it for five seconds (thinking about it for more than five seconds is not encouraged).

To see how we reached this dark place in American history, read the harrowing first episode.

December 9th, 2020 - Unpopular Press

Presidential Recount Ends, but the Nation Remains in Chaos

Five weeks after Americans cast their votes to elect the next president of the United States, real estate mogul Donald Trump has emerged as the candidate with the most popular votes. A long and bloody recount was necessary to establish Trump as the winner, though doubts still remain about the validity of the process. Neither of his two challengers, Senator Julian Castro and incumbent President Chris Christie, has conceded.

In the final tally, Mr. Trump led Senator Castro by only 413,269 votes and President Christie by a more substantial 4,728,118 votes. He will be the first non-Democratic or Republican candidate to win the national popular vote since the Whig Party’s Zachary Taylor was elected in 1848, and is almost certainly the least qualified president-elect of all time.

These results deviate immensely from the original national popular vote count, in which President Christie led both candidates by a small margin of less than 100,000 votes. The unexpected shift came after the discovery of massive nationwide vote fraud, as was predicted by the 2012 Republican Party platform with Nostradamus-like accuracy.  A significant number of the fraudulent votes were cast by one elderly Christie supporter who had managed to register all of the thousands of dead cats she had owned over the course of her life to vote. In addition, millions of new votes for both Castro and Trump were discovered on the streets and rooftop gardens of Brooklyn after the floodwaters that had covered New York and Connecticut following Hurricane Xena retreated back into the sea.
During the original counts and subsequent recounts, state governments were forced to ignore their ordinary duties in order to focus all of their resources on determining who received the most votes nationwide on November 3rd. Many state governments are expected to have tripled their debt during the recount, and several requested emergency federal monetary relief. In the absence of any law enforcement, large swaths of America are now believed to be controlled by gangs, town council members-turned-petty dictators, and the National Rifle Association.

One of the states to suffer most during the recount was Kansas, which had been bombarded with litigation after its decision to keep Senator Castro off the ballot and was forced to count an unprecedented number of write-in ballots. The number of court cases in Kansas so far outstripped the capabilities of its judicial system that most ballot disputes were ultimately decided by pistol duels in the streets. 

Controversy also surrounds the state of Alabama, which refused to accept the legitimacy of the National Popular Vote Interstate Compact and has consequently withheld its election results in protest.  

Said Alabama’s Secretary of State Beth Chapman, “The state of Alabama cannot abide by an election in which its voters don’t count extra because there aren’t that many of them and they have a lot of farms. Therefore, Alabama’s electors will be casting their votes for President Christie, but we refuse to announce the final vote counts from our state.”

This executive decision did not sit well with Alabama’s populace, many of whom wanted their votes to be counted in the national popular vote tally that would decide the election. Thousands of voters--supporters of Christie, Trump, and Castro alike-- organized daily rallies outside Alabama’s state house. The Christie administration, noting that Alabama violated federal law by not disclosing its election results, is considering sending Seal Team Six to every Alabama polling place one by one to extract the results. Drone strikes have not been ruled out.

Even states that had passed national popular vote legislation did not escape the chaos. 

Because of the last minute nature of President-elect Trump’s candidacy, he failed to organize campaigns and nominate electors in the faraway states of Hawaii and Alaska. Hawaii is party to the National Popular Vote Compact and therefore is obligated to award its four electoral votes to the winner of the national popular vote, Donald Trump. Under the compact, if a state does not have a slate of electors designated for the winner of the national popular vote, the winner may select his own electors to cast ballots for him. 

Hawaii does not have a law guaranteeing that its electors live in Hawaii, and Mr. Trump capitalized on his ability to select his own electors by choosing four contestants from the 29th season of The Apprentice, which he had somehow managed to find the time to host throughout his campaign for president. None of the four contestants selected by Trump were Hawaiian, sparking raging annoyance throughout the state. 

On December 7, 2020, 78 years to the day after the bombing of Pearl Harbor, Hawaiians protested their insulting Electoral College delegation by launching a surprise attack on a series of Trump-owned beachfront apartment complexes. The greatest damage done appears to be the tearing down of the first letter of the ‘Trump Towers’ sign, which now reads ‘rump Towers.’ “This is a date which will live in infamy,” said one agitated-for-a-Hawaiian rioter. “We believe that our protest sends a strong message to Donald Trump that his decision to misrepresent Hawaiians makes him a large butt.”  

In the northeast, Rhode Island—also a signatory to National Popular Vote—became the focal point of post-election anger. When Rhode Island voters, who overwhelmingly supported Senator Castro, realized that their electoral votes were going to a candidate that other Americans liked more than they did, many traveled to Providence to lobby their governor and legislature to nullify their signing of the compact and to allow their electors to be awarded to the state’s preferred candidate. Once it became clear that the Rhode Island government was legally incapable of leaving the Compact after the election, rioters broke into the state house and procured the addresses and phone numbers of Trump’s four Rhode Island electors. 

Said one Trump elector, who was hiding in an undisclosed location,

“I supported the National Popular Vote when it was passed in 2014, and I also support our future President Donald Trump, so I feel that my vote for Mr. Trump will be justified. I just wish that the rest of Rhode Island had understood that this would probably happen about half the time when our legislature signed the compact in 2014, and--OH GOD THEY FOUND ME. THEY’RE HERE. WHY DID YOU LEAD THEM TO ME? NO NO NO NO NONONONO…”

The Electoral College will vote for president next week. If the last five weeks have been any indication, the worst effects of the national popular vote for president are still to come.

Check back soon for the final, apocalyptic chapter of Unpopular Vote's exclusive coverage of the 2020 national popular vote election.
 


Comments

Lew
03/20/2013 10:30am

a direct vote would include everyone because the electoral college doesnt and the winner take all is as corrupt as the electoral college. Maybe finally all Americans would see how much their vote counted

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