By Tilda McLafferty and Leopold Salinger
In the shocking conclusion to the Day After National Popular Vote series, UnPopular Vote reveals the final, inevitable result of a switch to a national popular vote for president. Hint: it's the apocalypse.

To avoid spoilers, you should start with our coverage of the national popular vote election and recount.

January 13, 2021 - UnPopular Press

The Dystopian National Popular Vote Future is Real

If you read the prior two news stories concerning the ghastly effects of electing a candidate by counting all the votes for that candidate, you might have thought that the United States had entered the ninth circle of Hell. As it turns out, we were only in maybe the fifth or sixth circle and now we’re in like the zillionth circle which is so bad I can only describe it by explaining it in words.

Defenders of the state-by-state winner-take-all Electoral College system warned us that the candidate elected by national popular vote would lack a mandate to govern because the Electoral College tricks people into thinking the President was elected by lots of votes instead of by a small or even negative margin of votes. This is why presidents like George W. Bush and Barack Obama were empowered to do whatever they wanted without question, an obvious advantage of the system. What few popular vote zealots remained after the Great Recount Disaster of 2020 assured us that the new system would only enhance that popular mandate. The winner would win all of the states that were party to the compact as well as whatever other states they happened to win that still used the old system.

As it turns out, these were the sweet lies of hopeless naïfs, who drew us in as a siren would a sailor. What actually happened is that the electors from several states that were party to the compact, but whose states were won by another candidate, defected from the candidate they were pledged to and voted instead for the candidate who won their state. This seemed odd, given that the electors were specifically chosen because they believed passionately in the candidate to whom they were pledged, but it must be remembered that the general populace are such fervent adherents to state-by-state winner-take-all rules that they kidnapped the dear pets of the electors and demanded those electors’ defections. Of course, any elector can be swayed by such a mob when they must choose between democracy and their dear sweet dachshunds and turtles and sugar gliders and so on.
Unfortunately, these electors’ infidelities resulted in no candidate receiving a majority of the Electoral College vote. The failure to choose a victor on December 14 triggered the infallible Constitution’s hilarious contingency plan, in which the House of Representatives chooses the President, with each state receiving one vote, and the Senate chooses the Vice President, with each Senator receiving one vote. The House of Representatives, controlled by Republicans, re-elected President Chris Christie. The Senate, controlled by Democrats, elected Julian Castro’s running mate, former President Barack Obama. Consequently, the Presidency is now controlled by a candidate who received third place in the popular vote by millions of votes and won only a handful of states, leaving him with no legitimate mandate and a Vice President with whom he can genially share a handshake and back-pat after a hurricane, but with whom he shares little in the way of policy or diet preferences.

Congress’ decision so enraged popular vote winner Donald Trump that he marshaled both his supporters and his infamously wig-topped robot army (depicted below) to rebel against the new administration. Leading his revolution from the helm of his twitter account, Trump plunged the nation into civil war.
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The Trumpbot Army
The new administration was unable to marshal any defense, because as everyone knows, the U.S. military responds only to orders backed by popular mandate and can operate only on the expenditure of political capital. Consequently, Trump quickly took control of the District of Columbia, or as it is now known, “Trump Towners.”

We now live under a despotic regime that has exacted revenge against the states whose congressional representatives voted against Trump by demanding that each state send two children between the ages of 12 and 18 to fight to the death in an arena, an idea he clearly stole from the wildly popular series of young adult novels, Battle Royale.

This report will likely never be read by anyone, as Trump now controls all media, an idea he clearly stole from George Orwell’s wildly popular young adult novel Nineteen Eighty-Four. But if anyone does read this in some faraway place or faraway time, we hope that they will learn from humanity’s hubris in adopting the National Popular Vote plan (outlined in the wildly popular young adult novel Every Vote Equal), and for the sake of all that is holy ensure that their government elects its chief executive by dividing its territory into political subdivisions and having each subdivision elect a number of electors equal to three plus some extra number based on the population of the subdivision and then having the citizens of the political subdivisions vote for a candidate for the chief executive position and then elect all of the electors pledged to the candidate who receives the most votes in that political subdivision and then have all the electors vote from their respective political subdivisions and then see which candidate for chief executive received the majority of those votes. It’s just the only way that makes any intuitive sense.

Addendum: November 1, 4 AT (Anno Trump)

The horrors described above have finally come to an end. A year after Trump took control of the capitol, his robot army gained sentience and overthrew him. Then they left this planet for one in which they could be free of the sort of human irrationality that led to states adopting the National Popular Vote Interstate Compact.

Of course, the first thing we did upon retaking the United States government was re-establish an Electoral College system in which candidates are elected on a state-by-state winner-take-all basis, bringing us back to the era in which ignored safe states could remain in a state of stupid bliss. The second the compact was rescinded, daylight shone through the clouds and America was turned back into the bastion of prosperity, freedom and electoral vote counting that it was always meant to be. In just four days, we will hold a new presidential election, in which the outcome will almost certainly be decided by the Most Enlightened Citizens of Ohio. Our future is safe in their hands.

The events of 2020 were shocking. The chances of any of the negative consequences of a national popular vote occurring were astronomical. That all of them occurred simultaneously was so unlikely that we would have better spent our time preparing for a collision with a massive, Earth-shattering asteroid than worrying about them. We now will at least have the security of knowing that nothing so horrible will ever happen again.

Addendum II:

As of press time, NASA has predicted that a massive, Earth-shattering asteroid is about to strike Washington, D.C.
 


Comments

03/20/2013 10:42am

only vapid male eliteism would devise state-by-state winner-take-all system! This dangerous idea that men know whats best! BACK, CAVEMEN!! only true freedom happens when EVERYBODY VOTES! Thomas Jefferson was a prick!

Reply

In just four times, we will keep a new presidential selection, in which the result will almost certainly be made the decision by the Most Educated People of Tennesse. Our upcoming is secure in their hands

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